People around me have been complaining about my behavior for the past two weeks. I find myself slipping into an old version of me. The problem is that all the people I have to deal with everyday didn’t know me 3 years ago, some knew me for some time and confused my silence when they first met me with shyness (yeah right!). Everybody is expecting me to be nice to them and try to make them laugh like I always do. Sometimes I try to do it but mostly I really don’t give a fuck about their day, how they’re feeling, or how low their self-esteem is. I don’t wanna pretend that their jokes are funny, pretend that they’re making my life easier with their extraordinary work, or even listen to them argue over work. My boss said that I’ve become “edgy” these days. Maybe he’s right, when you say to your boss “can you just shut up and listen” in front of other employees then maybe you’re a little bit edgy.

I can’t explain to people why am I being like that. I’m tired, depressed, and angry. But frankly I don’t care to explain. Again, I don’t give a fuck what they think of me or if they wanna be around me or not anymore. To be honest I really don’t want them to be around me anymore, if everybody could just mind their own fucking business it would be great.

I still care about some people of course, I’ll be lying if I said that I don’t care 100% about everybody. But even the ones I still care about, I’m out of energy to be nice to them.

You’re supposed to develop your character, move forward with time. Is it normal to move backwards? Not to mention move back to something you really hated and you still hate. I use the word hate a lot but to tell the truth I never really meant it except when I said that I hate myself. Even when I said that I hated the people who hurt me the most, I didn’t really mean it. This is actually a part of why I don’t like to be around some people for too long, because they remind me of, well.. Me, looking at them is like looking in the mirror and my god I hate looking in the mirror.

It won’t last for long, soon I’ll be moving to a new place. I don’t know when or where but I know that I have to start looking. Hopefully somewhere far away from everything and everybody.

Good night.